~ By Jennifer Chait
A while back I got an email asking me what to do when other bloggers or readers want to meet in person, but you’re uncomfortable with that.
I wasn’t totally sure what to say because when I get people who ask to meet me, I swear they’re always total nutcases. I had one guy who sent me a series of emails asking me to hook him and I up with Neil Young, because some government conspiracy was on the rise. We also would need guns he said. He kept telling me I should tell no one but Neil Young. And now, I’ve just told all of you. Damn.
I got another group of emails from someone telling me he had all these crazy inventions. He said that I should meet him, see his stuff, and then show his work on Offbeat Homes; weird work I might add, not even house stuff.
In any case these are typically the emails I get where someone asks to meet up. Not sure why, maybe because of my blog topics. Will I be meeting any of these folks soon – of course not, they’re raving crazies. My answer of “NO!” is easy.
However, what about if you have mostly sane readers? What about when one of those seemingly sane readers does ask you to meet up somewhere? What if the person seems harmless, is also a blogger, leaves nice comments, and says they love your posts, and they’d just like to meet the person behind those words. What then?
Since I deal in weird folks wanting to meet, I asked Deb for her opinion.
Here’s what she said…
“I would say something to the effect of “bloggers meet up at conferences and scheduled local meet ups where there’s safety in numbers. In this day and age it’s just not a good idea to meet someone on one’s own. No offense but fans could be stalkers or child kidnappers or what have you. Tell the person you’d love to meet him or her at a conference or local Twitter or Facebook event.”
I think Deb’s advice is pretty good. Don’t you? Personally there are about five-ten bloggers I’d meet up with in person. But these are bloggers I’ve talked to on a daily basis, or at least three times a week, for a good long while. People I work with constantly, and people I know stuff about (that can be confirmed by others) – i.e. they’re family people, so fourth.
I would never meet with a random reader or blogger that I only have a relationship with through a blog, through the comments, not even if they leave me the sweetest of comments. Not even if they say nice things about me. It’s really just not safe. It’s also, frankly, partly a gut thing.
What if someone wants to meet, and they seem fine, but the person just isn’t your cup of tea? We’ve all been there right – the person who likes you more than you like them. What if the thought of meeting up makes you cringe a bit. And what if you don’t want to offend the reader or other blogger?
Well, there’s not much you can do, is there? What I’d do is tell the reader that when I started blogging, I put some personal boundaries in place that I follow with all readers and other bloggers. That, no offense, but I’ll meet at a blogging or media event, but not anywhere else, because that’s the rule I’ve always followed, and that’s what I’m comfortable with.
If the person is offended then I’d actually question how safe or reasonable it would have been to meet up in the first place. In this day and age we all understand about personal safety issues; it’s a little odd if you don’t. If you lose a reader, you lose a reader. You do have other readers, other bloggers to chat with who get the issue. Personally, I don’t want to offend anyone either, but my personal safety comes before my guilt, you know. Putting my own little self at any sort of risk is also a risk to my family and friends. That’s more important than an overly sensitive reader not visiting your blog anymore in my book.
What do you think? Also, what would you do if someone seemingly cool, but you don’t really know them, wanted to meet. What could you do without offending them?
Jennifer does not personally know Neil Young, as some may think, however, if you’d still like to read some of her blogs you can visit: Network Blogging Tips, Offbeat Homes, Tree Hugging Family, Green Residential Building, or DeClutter It among others.
I prefer meeting bloggers during get together or conference. If a one-on-one meet-up is requested, I normally chat with them online first or get the meet-up inserted in another activity where I am either with someone or had to meet another person thereafter.
I was just thinking about you and that stalker and Neil Young and all those guns firing about! LOL!
I am painfully shy in “real” life, so meeting up would be a terrible idea, in any case. Plus, there’s the safety factor to worry about. I’ve never been in that situation, so I don’t really know how I’d deal with it. I have a really great excuse to not meet up, though – I don’t live in the US or UK where most of my readers come from!
I met some wonderful bloggers at BWE and would consider meetups in NYC. I also thought about arranging a meetup in Central NJ but I don’t know how many bloggers there are in NJ.
There’s no need to be offended if someone suggests a public meeting. It’s only common sense.
Good advice. Anyone who can’t understand the need for caution and safety is probably not someone you want ot meet! I would probably bend the rules a bit for other bloggers [some of them] from the network I blog for, but these are people I work with ‘behind the scenes’ and converse with daily. I’d liken that to say Deb and Jodee getting together for a cup of Starbucks. Even at that I’d probably make it a public meeting just because, like Jennifer said, that eliminates some of the ‘oh crap I don’t like this person’ and leaves you in control of when you leave.
I’d never really thought about this. I’ve thought it would be fun to meet some people I blog with and had no reservations about it. Most of these people are other moms and they post pictures of their families. I guess they could be crazies, but I kind of doubt it. Absolutely you have to go with your gut feeling. In the end, I don’t forsee this actually coming to light for me. But I agree with what everyone has said and I will certainly consider it before I do meet another blogger in person.
@Mary – You’re right. There are exceptions. For instance I’d meet up with Jennifer, Jodee and a few other bloggers with no problem. Maybe even James…heh.
There’s also one blogger/content writer who goes way back to the WFC days. We’ve spoken through the years on forums and PMs and have made a date for lunch when our kids are in school full time since she’s not far.
You have to go with your gut though. Just because the person is someone you’ve spoken with for years doesn’t make him or her safe. After all there are people who were stalked by others who they trusted implicitly. So be safe. Go somewhere public and take it from there.
Jennifer, you really had me laughing. I can SO relate. I had one guy offer to fly me across the country to meet him. He wasn’t generally creepy, but that offer skeeved me out. There are plenty of sane bloggers and readers/online pals I’d meet up with. But it would be at a Starbucks or something.
@ Deb
James? Are you sure? Well, at least he hasn’t disguised himself as a ‘nice’ guy;) ha, ha, ha…
Just kiding, James. You know we love your candor around here (it’s a refreshing change from the waffle I eat elsewhere on the net!)
Poor sweet innocent James… Hehehe. I’d meet James in a heartbeat. Then again, I’m pretty crazy. He might not want to meet ME.
Glad to see everyone agrees with the safety aspects.
@Amy that is a little creepy – a plane ticket is expensive.
Poor Neil Young guy. I never responded to him (obviously) but he just kept emailing, and was sort of fun. In a real twisted way. But then I do love X-Files so gov conspiracy is right up my alley.
I have meant tons of people off the Internet (because I run a message board and host events/parties related to it – I also met my husband online), so I don’t really think about the safety of it much. However, I believe it’s probably wise to use the same precautions when meeting bloggers/readers as you would with a blind date … talk on the phone first, meet in a public place, etc. as you said.
This is a good subject to bring up, especially since the internet has opened up a lot of great opportunities for us all, but with that comes a bit of caution and responsibility. I think about what some people have used the internet for, and it really creeps me out in a bad way.
I think most of us that read Deb and Jennifer’s writings here are pretty like minded on all this. Great responses..
Great post Jennifer.
It’s kind of funny too how everyone wants to meet people they don’t know at Starbucks. I’m actually meeting an editor at Starbucks today. I have no idea what she looks like or anything about her other than she pays me and likes my work. But this is a working relationship, totally different from the blog reader wanting to meet.
I actually haven’t gotten any real crazies emailing me yet. Thanks again for the post.
Great post.
I didn’t know Neil Young was so trustworthy.
Delurking to say this: OH GOD YES. I have LOVED ALL of the bloggers I’ve met in 3-D. In fact, I hopped a plane to go to Antwerp to spend the weekend with a blogger I’d never met in 3D before and it was GREAT. And I met up with two “imaginary friends” in Chicago and am hoping to host one more and her family later this year.
A person should always exercise common sense, which I did NOT do in any of the cases when I’ve met up with my blog-pals. Most of the comments above have addressed it – safe, neutral place, informed friends/family,blah blah blah.
But I’ve never agreed to meet a blogger that I didn’t like EVEN BETTER once I’d met them in person.
I’ve met a few bloggers in person, and I’m usually the initiator. I think it’s gone well, and I’ve felt like we both got something out of the meeting (generally swapping stories about editors and tips about where to pitch).
I’m willing to do this partly because I’ve done online dating, and the same rules apply to both scenarios:
1. Get to know them via email/blogging first so that you feel comfortable.
2. Trust your gut, and bail out if something doesn’t feel right. No need to feel bad, because this is your safety at stake.
3. Meet in a public place (generally a coffee shop in my case).
4. Don’t reveal too much personal info.
Maybe it’s just me… no one has ever asked to meet up. Hmmm… perhaps my geekiness translates to the blogosphere…?
It seems everyone agrees with general safety when meeting online folks in person. I’d also like to point out (again) the other aspect of this situation which was dealing with folks who want to meet you and you’re not on board.
I was thinking that it might be good to note that maybe you don’t even ask to meet someone, unless you have gotten to know them very well online. To me “very well” is more of a we email back and fourth often, not just, we read each others blogs. Also maybe if you’re the person asking and the other person is kind of hesitating, let it go.
@Angelique I wonder if that has anything to do with you sending memes to poor bloggers
Just kidding.
Also, am I the only anti-Starbucks person on the planet or what?
I would feel safe if the person that offered to meet me had a referral from a good off-line friend, or relative that one can tolerate…Or if there was a paycheque with a definite contract signed with both parties.
Best practise is to tell someone where you are going, when you will be there, and when you will return. The buddy system is a good thought (the more the safer) and cell phones are good equipment to take along.
The Internet is a useful place to start on researching people. I use it vet social networking requests.
Some of my best friends were originally just names on a message board, pre-blogging days. So I guess I’m pretty open to meeting people. BUT. It depends on the vibe I get from them. And a first meeting would always be in a group setting or someplace like the mall or starbucks.
I’m careful about it, and I’ve never had a bad experience. Always trust your gut.
Jennifer,
Great piece. Too funny. Sounds like some of the people I attract, but they are usually the “off” parents at my kids school. Why me?
LOL. Fortunately I’m fairly new to blogging and the internet crazies haven’t found me yet. Will I regret finally making the leap to Stumble?
I tend to read mainly personal blogs by expats living in Mexico and by women who are living in the States and married to Mexicans, so this circle is already pretty small. I don’t know if this could be considered a niche, because I’m not sure if personal blogs fall into that category.
There are a few women I’d LOVE to meet, and haven’t because of an accident of georgraphy, and I’d have no compunction against getting together in person. But they all know at least one person that I’m close to in real life. We may not be fast friends, but we’d definitely enjoy each other’s company if we ever ended up at a party together.
The only person I’ve met in real life from a connection made on an online forum turned out to be living a parallel life to mine. In fact, when we went to visit her and her husband in NYC, it turned out that her husband studied at the English school I taught at in Mexico just a month after I left and knew some of my closest friends!
But to meet someone who simply decided they liked me based on my online persona? That seems weird to me.
A very good book to read on personal safety is Gavin De Becker’s “The Gift of Fear.”
He talks about how most people really are decent, and what you need to do is be able to rely on your instinct (and some knowledge) to spot the ones who aren’t.
Many predators will rely on their target’s being too nice to say no, or to insist on being someplace more public.
-Sue
I wouldn’t mind meeting other people at a conference or something but other than that, I’d decline. It just seems weird!
The type of blogging I do (about writing careers) does not seem to be the type that attracts weirdos. Most of the people who ask to meet me are from Seattle, and usually it turns out they belong to one of the many professional or technology groups that I do. So it isn’t like I’m meeting a stranger.
I did, however, contemplate doing a fairly edgy blog with a friend of mine, a younger woman, and one of our concerns about it was that it might end up with her getting inquiries from the wrong sort of men.
I agree with Sue’s Gavin De Becker recommendation. If something feels even slightly weird, don’t do it!