Button Pushers Need Not Apply

By Christie Halmick

When I search for gigs online I look for verbal gems, phrases in the help wanted ads that set the tone for my day or for the week.

Like my birthday horoscope, I want a reading that is more than the sum of its parts. A phrase with secret, double meanings that I can repeat to my sister when she calls, or print out and hang above my computer to remind me of exactly what it is I do all day. Today this request: “Button pushers need not apply.” added an extra bit of sparkle to my day.

When I found “Button pushers need not apply.” I hit copy and paste, formatted it in 28 point Comic Sans, and printed it out.

It’s hanging above my computer screen to remind me I am a button pusher. I push buttons to make words. I push buttons to create brochure designs. I push buttons to search for gigs online. “Button pushers need not apply.” hangs there to remind me that I am so much more than a button pusher. I’m creative, talented, and quirky. Maybe someday I’ll be funny. Until then I’ll leave that up to my potential employers, while I work on showing them that my skills go way beyond navigating the keyboard and mouse.

I hope these want ad wordings (quoted directly from real ads) will brighten your day.

• We’re not interested in any garden variety, mediocre talent.

• Please be funny. More accurately, please make me think you’re funny.

• We want to hire someone who has never worked as a full-time writer … because we want to train you OUR way.

• Passionate about animals and writing for them.

• You must love to be online on the computer.

• You would perform almost like a ghost writer.

• Compensation: TBD/Slave-Labor.


  1. says

    Slave labor. Hmmm.

    Announcing the Grand Opening of Melody’s Slave Labor Writing Co-Op. Our skills include:

    * Keeping our eyes open 24 hours a day. (Not even potential death will stop us.)

    * Groveling.

    * Answering to any name we might be called, including what’s-your-face and bubba.

    * Not eating. (Who has the time or money to eat when we’re devoted to you?)

    * Remaining happy at all times. (Until our bitter end.)

    Please contact me whenever you like so that I can immediately capitulate to all your demands.

  2. says

    “Passionate about animals and writing for them.”

    Whew! I thought I was the only one whose animals could talk but couldn’t write.

  3. #12 says

    “We want to hire someone who has never worked as a full-time writer … because we want to train you OUR way.”

    It’s like reverse BK. Maybe the King has gotten a big head… oh, wait….

  4. #7 says

    @Deb, I think an “almost a ghost writer” is a spook writer. First you’re a spook writer then you advance on to ghost writer.

    or maybe it’s like Annie said, a zombie!

    @Nicki B., glad I could add a few laughs to your day.

    @Shell & Amy D., I did like the last one’s honesty.

    @Melody, thanks for adding your twist. I love “so that I can immediately capitulate to all your demands”

    @Colleen, I think writing for an animal audience might be quite fun, possibly even easier than writing for humans, but I wonder about the pay.

    @#12, Now I’ll have that BK slogan stuck in my head. Thanks for stopping by to comment.

  5. #9 says

    I love passionate about animals and writing for them.

    Didn’t know being fluent in Panda and Iguana were going to be a job skill we needed. LOL.
    Great post.

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