Off Topic Humor Break in Honor of the First Major Snowstorm in Years
I wrote this piece several years ago to express my frustration at the local news weather reports. I wanted to know how much snow we got, how much was expected, what the schools were doing and what the roads were like. At the time, there was no snow falling even though a great storm was reported. The news reporters looked so silly reporting a snow storm that wasn’t happening. Anyway, take a short break and relive my frustration.
We’re expecting the first major storm of the season, which is the lead story on all of the local (NYC) news stations. All I want to know is when it’s going to snow and what to expect. That’s not too much to ask, is it? Before I can see the weather forecast, however, I get this:
Monotone News Anchor: We’re bracing for the first major storm to hit the area this season. Pretty Weather Guy is waiting to give a forecast, but first let’s go to Annoying Blonde Reporter who’s in Valhalla, standing in front of some salt trucks.
Annoying Blonde Reporter: You’re Correct Monotone News Anchor, I’m indeed standing in front of salt trucks. Standing here with me is Guy in Charge of Salt Trucks. Hello Guy.
Guy: Hello ABR
ABR: What is your plan of action today?
Guy: When it snows the trucks will spread salt on the roads.
ABR: Fascinating. They’re going to spread salt on the roads. For more team coverage, let’s take it to Freezing Cold Reporter Number 1 who is standing on the side of the road somewhere in NJ.
FCR1: Thanks ABR. I’m standing on the side of the road in NJ and I’m here to tell you it’s not snowing. I will continue to stand here throughout the course of the day to report on every flake that falls. Freezing Cold Reporter Number 2 is standing by on a highway on Long Island.
FCR2: I’m standing here on the side of a highway on Long Island, and no, it’s not snowing here either. Freezing Cold Reporter Number 3?
FCR3: I’m on the Upper East Side and it’s not snowing here either. Freezing Cold Reporter Number 4 is in Queens at the Home Depot.
FCR4: That’s right FCR4, I’m at Home Depot, with me is the manager of this store who’d much rather conduct this interview inside in the warmth but instead, for no logical reason whatsoever, is standing here freezing his ass off with me. Home Depot Manager, what are people buying to deal with the snow.
HDM: Well FCR 4, they’re buying shovels, snow blowers and rock salt.
FCR4: Snow blowers, shovels and rocks salt. Exactly what one would expect when it comes to dealing with snow. Let’s check in with Freezing Cold Reporter Number 5 who’s down the road at the Stop & Shop.
FCR5: Thank you FCR4, I’m here with the Store Manager. SM, what are people buying to help cope with the storm.
SM: Food. They’re buying food.
FCR5: There you have it. They’re buying food. Now back to you, Monotone News Anchor.
MNA: For more of what to expect here’s Pretty Weather Guy.
PWG: It’s going to snow today and it’s going to be very cold. See these clouds over Pennsylvania? That means it’s snowing over Pennsylvania. I honestly don’t know how much snow you’re going to get today, but if I throw out some numbers, say 12 to 24 inches, that should keep the masses happy. In reality you’ll probably get a dusting.
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Friday, February 22nd, 2008 at 10:51 pm under
Ha ha! This is great! I live in Nebraska and we get this kind of stuff all the time. Yeah, snow is supposed to happen, yeah people are stocking up, and trucks are out. Especially the first one where it’s supposed to be 6 inches and we get a freezing fog for 2 hours instead. But they have to get the whole “mobile report team” ready for the action anyway! Our weather changes so quickly out here anyway - a common phrase is that if you don’t like the weather, stick around 10 minutes because it will change. This stuff happens a lot. Made me laugh!!
February 22nd, 2008 at 11:01 pmThis is good stuff Deb. Thanks for giving me something entertaining to read at my completely deserted 9-5 corporate job. I was one of the few people dumb enough to drive in during this snow storm.
But there’s hope, I just received an email from my boss (who stayed at home today) that said I could go home early. So unless you have some more amusing posts planned, I’m outta here.
February 22nd, 2008 at 11:34 pmDamn that global warming!!!
We got a few inches of global warming here in San Diego last week, shut down freeways and everything!
February 22nd, 2008 at 11:36 pmYou’re free to go, Anthony! ; )
February 22nd, 2008 at 11:36 pmThat was hilarious! Thanks. We’re dealing with our own mess in KC. My husband passed four collisions on his way to work. As a matter of fact, I better call and make sure he got there. Stay warm!
February 22nd, 2008 at 11:44 pmThanks for the funny. I am not enjoying th esnow we are getting over here. I hate snow and when the snowblower breaks I hate it even more. I have weather bug on my computer and also watch doppler 6000.
The other day at 2pm all radars showed no more snow on the radar, but it snowed until 4:30pm. I was a bit confused. When they predict we are going to get 6 inches, we get 16.5 inches. When they predict 10 to 12 inches, we get a dusting.
What I really hate is the 10pm news that says, stay tuned and fine out how much snow is in the forecast for tomorrow.
After commercials, the dumb A** says, “We are going to have a sunny day with temperatures in the teens and no snow in the forecast.”
I could have been sleeping already.
Pam
February 22nd, 2008 at 11:45 pmBeing in Virginia, we get our share of bogus “weather news”. I really do not understand why they make such a big deal out of every ’storm’ that may or may not come through. Is the reporters THAT bored they have to report the salt trucks lay salt on the road….no duh numbnuts…hehe. I mean they really do say stupid stuff like that.
You are great Deb; that gave me a good laugh. We did receive a little ice but nothing major. North of us got hit harder with ice. Of course we would rather have snow.
Enjoy the snow if you are actually getting any today!
February 23rd, 2008 at 12:07 amHehehehe… good one.
This year, our forecasts have been really weird. The announcers predict bad weather, but they won’t say what. Why? Because with the multiple collisions of storms, they have no idea whether to predict heavy snow or freezing rain or violent winds or a mess of all three.
“We forecast bad weather for the Ottawa valley, Patty… and back to you, Rick!” Very informative.
February 23rd, 2008 at 12:31 amGrowing up in Chicago I had my fair share of bad weather predictions. They never got it right. Regardless of what happened, school was ALWAYS in session.
I remember one year it was FREEZING and we had snow piled up above my head to clear the streets and walking paths…I’m almost 6 feet tall! We still had to go to school and endure the power going out AND the back-up generator dying! They finally let us go home after that. Then I had the wonderful duty of walking my little cousin to the store…uh, I lost him in the snow! It took me almost 10 minutes to find that boy…he thought it was a good time for a game of hide-and-seek.
I now live in Tennessee where they shut everything down over a flake. My husband (Midwest native) and I LOVE it. He’s a teacher and has had 2 snow days so far. One for a dusting that melted before noon and another for black ice! Back home he’d still be slipping and sliding into work…
February 23rd, 2008 at 12:35 amThanks for the laugh! That’s exactly what drives me crazy here, and the use of the Doppler 5000, minute-by-minute report: it’s snowing in Lakewood at 5:19, snow will hit Westlake at 5:22. I don’t care! I just want to know how much, how long, what’s the temperature right now? All of this “Storm Center” and Doppler stuff is overkill.
February 23rd, 2008 at 12:56 amI’m in North Carolina and they do the same thing on the weather reports here. We have a lot of northern transplants in our area, and I know they must think we are a bunch of backwards hicks who feel the need to dump salt on the roads at the sign of one flake. It’s so embarrassing! My daughter is dying to see a real, live snowstorm just once in her childhood!
February 23rd, 2008 at 1:05 amI live in a small southern NJ suburb that NEVER closes school for bad weather. All the towns around us are closed but us. We’ve got about 2 inches of snow - really shouldn’t be closing the schools anyway.
My friend called from MD this morning. Her schools are closed and there isn’t any snow at all. Although no official decision was made until this morning, she knew there would be no school when her kids came home with their Friday folders in their backpacks yesterday. She’s furious.
I don’t really pay attention to the weather reports. Since both my husband and I work from home and the kids’ school is two blocks away (and it will be open anyway), I just open the front door in the morning and check the weather myself.
But, Deb, your piece was really good stuff. Well done!
February 23rd, 2008 at 1:14 amIn Buffalo we get those sort of reports a lot. The very best was in NC, though. Grew up there and even when I was a kid, didn’t understand what the sudden rush for bread and milk was about.
Maybe baking bread pudding over a candle?
February 23rd, 2008 at 1:32 amAMEN!! I spent six years as a Freezing Cold Reporter. I did a lot of 1,2,3,4 & 5!! Believe me, we know it’s stupid, but they make us stand on the side of the road or at Home Depot. This is the first winter in a looong time that I don’t dread bad weather. If I don’t want to go out in it I don’t have to.
February 23rd, 2008 at 1:58 amThis is where I get to play the Minnesota card … except that, sadly, early in the season we behave the same way. People apparently forget what this “Winter” thang is all about, which might explain why we stay here - denial is a powerful force.
As the season wears on, we get a lot more jaded about it. People tend to look forward to snow because it hides all the cigarette butts and dog poop in the yard. But the first one? I-94 becomes a kind of bumper car ride. I dunno.
At least I can say with pride that the only time I’ve seen them cancel school was 1 November 1991, when we had 30″ of snow dumped on us the night before. The sight of children out for Halloween the night before as it came down warmed my heart as only the echoes of the old Pioneer Spirit can. What would Pa Ingalls do?
As for the teevee nooze, I made a point of not watching that long ago. I tend to get all my information from rumors and gossip, making me one of the best informed people I know of. Plus, I have more faith in my fellow humans - except during that first snow, of course.
February 23rd, 2008 at 3:55 amlol It’s funny to read Valhalla
I lived there up until a year ago!
@ Renee - yep, it is even weirder in the south. I’m in North Carolina now
I giggle at how quickly they get out the salt trucks when they think it might get cold enough to snow and they keep telling people to stay in. Which makes sense since when it does snow they don’t know how to drive in it. lol
I grew up in the upper Midwest where thunderstorms and snowstorms, especially lake effect, can be pretty spectacular.
*sigh* I miss the snow.
February 23rd, 2008 at 5:17 amThis so needs to go viral. Forwarding to husband now.
February 23rd, 2008 at 6:10 amThat’s awesome. SNOWSTORM - 2008! They’ve got to talk about something. I like it when they call school off for the day BEFORE it starts snowing, because, you know, it may… later.
February 23rd, 2008 at 7:20 amOh, that made my day! I’ve always thought central Ohio was bad, but I lived in Cincinnati for a few years, and it was so much worse down there that I can live with the FCRs and MNAs as you so delightfully captured above. In Cinti, you couldn’t go anywhere when they predicted snow…everyone rushed out to buy toilet paper and milk. And what I found just as annoying…SUN delays in morning traffic. Yes, not only were drivers incapable of driving in sleet, snow, rain, or strong breezes, if the sun shone too brightly as it rose in the morning…the reporters got on the air to talk about the SUN DELAYS on the freeways. Zheesh. (Sunglasses and visors, anyone???) Almost made the salt-barn reports a welcome break.
February 23rd, 2008 at 8:20 amThersa,
I’m still in Chicago, but spent two years in LaPorte (30 minutes west of South Bend) during the heaviest snow years in this area (78-79 and 79-80). Every since they all missed the big snow of 67 (dating myself again), even the threat of snow makes weathercasters breakout in a sweat.
The best is FOX, who’s weather person is Amy Freeze. Now did her name make her choose meteorology as a career?
February 23rd, 2008 at 9:07 amHilarious!
I live in Goshen (about 30 minutes from South Bend as well) and the other day, when the weatherman predicted “heavy snowfalls” it rained. Now every thing’s flooded!
February 23rd, 2008 at 9:02 pmRobin Marie,
Even if you did get rain the other day, in Goshen, you must dig out a lot. I’m probably one of only a couple on this board who’s heard of Goshen and actually lived somewhat close to it at one time. I’m still only about two hours away.
February 23rd, 2008 at 10:56 pmFunny stuff. I’m always commenting about how silly it is when they report from some location that adds absolutely nothing to the story… side of the road, in front of the closed courthouse (because it’s an early morning or 11 PM newscast). Drives me crazy!!
February 24th, 2008 at 8:02 amI’m actually a meteorologist, and I’m one of the real ones, too…slaved over 4 years of calculus, physics, and long equations in college to earn my degree in atmospheric science. I’m not in broadcasting, b/c there are alot of things I don’t agree with about the broadcast meteorology industry, mainly how the news stations are required to “hype up” every bad weather event, no matter how small. I work for a private forecasting company. However, the public doesn’t realize how incredibly difficult it is to predict the weather. If one little thing in the atmosphere changes, like if it doesn’t warm up the one extra degree that we thought it would, then our whole forecast might be a bust. Also, the tv stations have much control over what the meteorologists say in their “teases” (like “stay tuned to see how much we’ll get”), so it’s often not the meteorologists themselves who are coming up with these things. Overall, we don’t have enough technology or observations to predict weather to the degree that the public would like us to, but we’ve made incredible strides in the past few decades. Believe me, we hate to see our forecasts bust as much as the public does. We want to be accurate and we try our best. So please, don’t call us dumb assholes, that’s all I ask. Thank you!
February 26th, 2008 at 1:33 amAbsolutely great article! Very, very funny… it really put a smile on my face today
Oh so funny, but so very true 
February 27th, 2008 at 9:24 pm