ETA: I realized that the way this was worded made it sound like I have about 80 kids. Really, it’s just the one (until September, anyway). “Baby,” “toddler,” “little one,” etc. are all referring to her.
I used to say that I absolutely detested reality TV. I’d probably still be saying it, if I hadn’t recently made a list of the shows I actually watch and realized that the majority of them would fall into the genre I’ve long claimed to despise. Project Runway, Top Chef, My Life on the D List, Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, Dirty Jobs, Mythbusters, Intervention, Hoarders, Undercover Boss, What Not to Wear, and my recent addition: The Biggest Loser.
No, I don’t watch all of these shows every week. I do actually have a family, a business, and…you know…a life.
It kind of makes me wonder, though, how interesting would someone else find that life? If I had my own reality show, would people watch it, or would I go the way of The Osbornes? No, I don’t think I’m nearly as interesting as the Osbornes. Not even the dog that kept pooping on the floor, really. But, I do have my moments, and with a little creative editing, a freelance writer’s life could make kind of a cool reality show.
So, in the spirit of Jordan Baker of one of my favorite blogs (Dealing in Subterfuges), here’s this week’s episode recap.
Morning! At around 7 a.m., Lorna rolls over and begs the toddler to go back to sleep. Her compressed and pleading bladder reminds her that she’s pregnant, so she sneaks off to the bathroom, bribing the little one to stay in bed by promising to return with a bottle of “cow milk.” She returns, and tries not to breathe too loudly as the baby falls back asleep.
10 a.m. There’s no getting around it. We’ve just got to get up. More begging ensues as Lorna tries to convince the toddler that M&Ms are not a reasonable breakfast. Guiltily, she checks email and Facebook while Sesame Street softens the blow for the kid. Every few days Lorna gets to experience a shower (after begging again) if there’s a particularly riveting Elmo segment being shown. During sweeps week, the shower door will be thrown open by a tiny person, either scaring the stuffing out of Lorna or simply causing her to sigh and admit yet another bathing defeat.
Cleaning flurry! After asking the toddler what she’d like to do today (the answer is always “play toys,” by the way), Lorna finds creative ways to convince the kiddo that we’re playing when we’re actually cleaning.
Cut to a montage of mom running the big vacuum and baby running the little one, mom loading the dishwasher and warning (begging) the baby not to play with the knives in the silverware holder, and the two of them making a game of scrubbing spots off of the linoleum with diaper wipes.
Next comes begging the kid to get out of pajamas and into real clothes. Some days go better than others. At the end of this episode, the little one very well may still be happily wearing pjs from the night before. If clothes were part of the day’s agenda, then a little outside play may be in order. Nice weather means long walks with the stroller, which are really just guided tours as the toddler points out every cat slinking, strutting, or lounging around the neighborhood…otherwise, it’s books and dancing and possibly a bit of terrorizing the family cats just to stay in good form.
12:30 p.m. The Mother’s Helper arrives. Lorna packs up the laptop and heads downtown to the office, stopping at some fast-food joint or another along the way. Yes, Big Macs and Soft Tacos Supreme are my personal shame. Tasty, tasty, shame.
After about an hour of work, Lorna remembers again that she is pregnant, as the couch in her office grows more and more enticing. But, there’s website copy to write, blog posts to research, and white papers to develop. By 5:15, she’s ready to pack the laptop back up and head home.
5:30 p.m. Baby’s “Mama’s Home” radar magically goes off, and she wakes from her nap, pitifully requesting to nurse and likely rambling wildly and unintelligibly about whatever she happened to be dreaming. (Animals seem to be a common theme.) No, there will be no napping for Lorna yet again.
6:15 p.m. Husband arrives home from work. Because Lorna is a kept woman, she continues to entertain the little one as her husband solicits dinner requests. After ten hours at work, he cooks dinner and attempts to feign interest in the less-than-fascinating details of his wife’s day. (Sort of like you’re doing now, if you’re still actually reading this.) Both parents join forces in begging the toddler to please eat.
At 8:30, husband and baby take a bath, and Lorna usually rushes to try to finish up a client project during this half hour to herself. To be honest, this may very well happen while a reality show plays on the television in the background. Next is getting the kiddo dressed in pajamas that she’ll likely wear all day tomorrow, and once again begging her to eat something…anything.
After some bartering and bargaining, Lorna usually gets the kid to sleep by about 11:30 p.m. and then spends the next two hours taking care of any upcoming projects that she can get started and/or finished while utterly exhausted, but appreciative of the fact that she has a job that lets her spend this much time doing all the boring things outlined here. This can be substantiated by checking the time stamps on many of the posts on this blog.
Between 1 and 2 a.m., I make my way to bed. With the husband’s snoring, the cat’s whining, the little one waking to nurse, and the bun in the oven requiring constant bathroom trips, she will basically take a series of short naps until about 7 a.m. when she will once again beg the toddler to please, oh, please go back to sleep for a while.
So, I discovered about a quarter of the way through this post that my life is really not reality-show worthy, but I was already committed to writing the entire post. My apologies to Jordan Baker who would have been way more snarky and interesting. (In my defense, I really do think I’m funnier when I swear a lot.)
Besides, I realized recently that there’s really no need to pitch my life to the network execs. After all, I have a Facebook account and a Flip video camera. It’s like having my own reality show, only instead of having producers who edit me to look ridiculous, I can do it all on my own!