Good day to you all and welcome to my first real post.

Thank you for the messages of welcome and good luck, it was very much appreciated and immediately made me feel part of this fine community. However, to all of you that didn’t wish me well, I ask you all in turn, why do you hate me already? I am a very fragile person and prone to spilling out my insecurities and personality disorders directly onto the page. If you don’t automatically love me and my writing I am liable to write great screeds of self loathing, angst ridden poerty that isn’t funny at all and then it’s only you, lovely reader, that will suffer. And besides, there’s plenty of time for building up an informed and deep seated resentment of me once you know me a little better!

Only kidding, I promise no poetry. Not even a limerick. I do not promise no literary breakdowns however, that will probably happen at some point.

Anyhoo, in Deb’s annoucement post she mentions a pitch letter I sent to her to try and secure the advertised position of ‘Humorous Blogger’. I had remembered the University application letter of a Scottish person in regards to his entrance consideration and thought it the ideal format for an application. Whereas his was basically a stream of conciousness of the surreal made-up things he had done (precision tennis raquet throwing, speed tromboning and the like), all mine are based in fact and have a personal, sketchy origin.

I hope it goes someway to introducing me and I guess, in a strange way, it’s my pitch to you as well.

Hello Deborah,

I am replying to your search for a humorous blogger for the originally fun intended ‘Freelance Writing Jobs’ blog. As you stated in your ad, I would like to help you bring the funny back.

I believe I fit your requirements for a number of reasons. I have written for a number of blogs (Londonist, The Offside, AmChron etc.) and been generally well received as a funny writer but the remit has always been a little narrow and unrepresentative of my true passions; Comedy and Writing.

I would love to write about the strange foibles of writers and their routines (i.e. WH Auden was effectively drugged up his entire writing life!), odd writing tips (i.e. slip the key under the door after you’ve locked yourself in to your writing space, hope someone finds you), quirky popular genres (Star Trek Erotic Fan Fiction focussing on Kirk and Spock’s romance) etc. etc. ad infinitum.

At this point, I presume, you may like some more information about me. Well, I am British (Welsh actually), lofty, less than dynamic and I am often seen staring at ornate houses or making strong Gin Martinis and Rum Sours. My past is not chequered but I have failed as a soccer player, a paper boy, a charity worker and a wine waiter. All still haunt me.

I am trying to write books, situation comedies, stand-up routines, articles, blogs, scriptures, missives and sometimes humorous emails. I manage time relatively efficiently and I can tread water but distance swimming is a problem due to poor coaching as a boy. I have been able to ride a bike for many years now, a skill that gives me a sense of tremendous well-being but I remain fearful of its awesome power.

I curse openly, freely, sometimes loudly, but always heartily and with the best intentions, much like a pirate I’d imagine. Effing and jeffing, as it is sometimes known here, is recognised as a skill, right or wrong; and I am seen as more of a man by some and as a slob and illiterate by others. The latter are correct but both, in all senses, fascinate me.
At times I have displayed astounding catching skills and cat-like reactions, at other times clumsiness beyond conventional physical understanding. I am able to play no musical instruments but can recognise 95% of them by sight alone. I am an efficient climber of trees. I like to cook and regularly ignore cooking times and chopping
instructions. I would be considered a maverick in the rigid and conforming hospitality student circles. I do not have criminal record, nor do I want one, thank you.

I like to think of myself of a protector of the people but would be considered a coward and a blaggard by those same people if I ever stated my view. I can twirl a staff like a Kung Fu expert but however impressive it looks I have painfully found out it is not an essential life skill.

Ants astound me as they are organised enough to have possess armies (which is as unsettling as it is impressive). Armadillos strike me as nice guys, bears as misunderstood and jelly fish as just downright
irresponsible. Dogs and children trust me, cats respect me and monkeys are strangely calm around me. I believe they sense my acceptance of our shared ancestry.

Constant exposure to the radiation of the Sun has not facilitated any superpowers (except the ability to find the perfect name for things, I am currently sitting on Lenny the leather chair) but may have contributed to my loftiness. I can hit many objects with sticks and bats to an advanced level. I can throw. I like shopping.

I balance, I duck and weave, I dodge, I frolic, I gambol, I skip, I dance the funky chicken (badly) and pay my bills on time. Long phone calls make my ear go uncomfortably hot.

I have a fair idea where Elvis is.

I hope this gives you a view of my mark as a writer.

Kind Regards,

Simon J. James